Life is nothing but a dream, and if you create your life with Love, your dream becomes a masterpiece of art.

- Don Miguel Ruiz

In this month of valentines, the subject of Love is on the minds of many people. Perhaps yours?

One of the most profound books I have read on this subject is Don Miguel Ruiz's The Mastery of Love. (Amber-Allen Publishing, 1999.) In this Toltec Wisdom Book, Ruiz addresses the topic of love and relationships from several different perspectives, and we will consider a few of them in this newsletter.

Ruiz begins by saying that each of us lives in a dream, or perceptual illusion, of our own making. No two people see or experience life in quite the same way. Our unique experiences and thoughts create expectations and emotions that bring us either pleasure or pain. Many of our thoughts - the ones that bring us pain - are created out of fear.

Our thoughts create our dream, and by changing our thoughts we can create a new and more fulfilling dream. We can become Masters of our dream, and in so doing become Masters of Love.

In The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz writes that all emotions stem from one of two main emotions: love or fear. He states, "We can say that the normal kind of relationship in this world is based 95 percent on fear and 5 percent on love."

This is a staggering statistic! What does he mean by this? Can it possibly be true? And, if it IS true, what can we do to change it - for ourselves and for others?

The first step towards change of any kind is awareness. In order to understand this statistic, we need to understand Ruiz's distictions or contrasts between love and fear. These are summarized below, in his own words:

• Love has no obligations. Fear is full of obligations.
• Love has no expectations. Fear is full of expectations.
• Love is based on respect. Fear doesn't respect anything, including itself.
• Love is ruthless; it doesn't feel sorry for anyone, but it does have compassion. Fear is full of pity; it feels sorry for everyone.
• Love is completely responsible. Fear avoids responsibility, but this doesn't mean that it's not responsible.
• Love is always kind. Fear is always unkind.
• Love is unconditional. Fear is full of conditions.

Using Ruiz's distinctions as a guide, which of your relationships (including the one you have with yourself) are based in love and which in fear?

What is one small step you could take in just one relationship to shift it from fear-based to love-based?

How about taking that step today?

Many wise teachers have taught us that before we can truly love others, and allow others to love us, we must first love ourselves. Don Miguel Ruiz puts it this way:

You have to focus on the most wonderful relationship you can have: the relationship with yourself....You need to love yourself, and the love will grow more and more. Then, when you enter a relationship, you don't go into it because you need to be loved. It becomes a choice.

A few years ago, a coaching client of mine - let's call her Sara - became quite distressed as Valentine's Day approached. Sara was a single mother of two small children and was not dating anyone. She was lonely, and as she watched the holiday approach, she wanted to be noticed, loved, and appreciated on this special day.

"What would make you feel special on Valentine's Day?" I asked her.

She thought about this and said, "Well, some of the traditional Valentine's Day tokens would make me feel very special: a beautiful card that said "I Love You", delicious chocolates in a heart-shaped box, and, yes, a dozen long-stemmed roses - I love roses!" As she said these things, her voice became bright and strong.

"And what would need to happen for you to receive those things this Valentine's Day?" I asked her.

"Well," she said, "I'd have to have a man in my life - someone who loved me - to have these things."

"Really?" I asked. "Since there is no man in your life this year, how else might you have these tokens of love in your life this holiday?"

Sara was stumped but said she would think about it. On our next call a week later, I asked her how Valentine's Day had gone for her. She said, "You won't believe it! It was lovely. I did receive all these things and more from someone who loved me."

As it turned out, shortly after our phone call a few days before Valentine's Day, Sara went to her favorite card store, picked out the most beautiful Valentine's Day card she could find, signed it "with love from a secret admirer", and mailed it to herself. Then she went to her favorite candy shop and chose just the right heart-shaped box filled with her favorite chocolates, had it wrapped and brought it home and put it away. She also placed an order with a florist for a dozen long-stemmed roses to be delivered to her address on Valentine's Day.

All day long, on Valentine's Day, these special tokens showed up - first the card in the mail, then the flowers at her door. And finally, she brought out and upwrapped the heart-shaped box of special chocolates, which she shared with her children. Later that evening, after the children were asleep, she took a long luxurious bath by candlelight, then curled up on the couch to watch her favorite movie, while enjoying the beautiful flowers, delicious candy, and romantic card.

Sara came to understand that we do not have to wait for other people to love us in order to feel loved. Love comes from within us, not from outside us. We also do not need to wait for other people to give us the gifts we wish for. Even in the most romantic and loving of relationships, our partners cannot read our minds and do not always give us what we long for. Sara discovered that we do not need to depend on others to make us happy. We have the power to make ourselves happy.

About a year later, a few months after Sara had finished her coaching with me, she sent me an email: I've met a very special man, and this year, we celebrated Valentine's Day together. We exchanged wonderful, gushy, romantic cards, and I sent him chocolates and roses! We both enjoyed the candy and flowers very much!

I sometimes imagine Love as colored light or water or breath or energy that flows into us, through us, and out of us. In the best of all worlds, this flow is abundant, circular, and continuous.

But there are times in our lives when this flow appears to slow down to a trickle, or perhaps stop altogether. Why is that? What gets in way? And what can be done to open up the flow of love in our lives once again?

There are many answers to these questions. Recently, I had the opportunity to watch and listen as these questions, and a suggested solution, played out before me in a most dramatic way.

Last Saturday, just before the beginning of our first big winter storm, I went to see a play titled "Frozen". The lead role was played by Nancy Carroll, a multi- talented and powerful actress, and longtime Rockport friend. Nancy played the part of a woman - also called Nancy - who, as a married woman with two daughters, ages 12 and 14, lost her younger daughter to a serial killer.

Though the killer was eventually apprehended, and was imprisoned for life, that did little to help Nancy to resume a normal life. Embittered and withdrawn, she alienated her husband and living daughter, Ingrid. And except for her passionate work with an organization devoted to finding missing children and stopping pedophile crimes, Nancy had no life to speak of.

Twenty years went by, with Nancy still frozen in time - still mourning her younger daughter while keeping at bay the living family who loved and needed her. And, then, sparked by a heated conversation with Ingrid, who had finally accepted this tragedy and the impact on her life, and had healed and moved on, Nancy began to consider the concept of forgiveness. Eventually, she did begin to forgive her daughter's killer, and from that point on, her own frozen life began to thaw.

What blocks the flow of love? Pain. Pain born of fear or grief. Pain caused by loss or by the fear of loss. Pain frozen somewhere in the grief process - in denial or depression or anger or in deep, deep sadness. What could create a deeper pain than a parent's loss of a beloved child to a cruel, violent, and deliberately inflicted death? Most of us will never have to face such a deep and debilitating loss. But all of us are faced with emotional pain, in some degree, at various points in our lives. And what we do with that pain directly affects our ability to give and receive love.

So, what are the keys to unblocking the flow of love in our lives? As this play would suggest, there are two keys: acceptance and forgiveness. Acceptance of what is. And forgiveness towards whatever life circumstance or person (including oneself) inflicted the pain.

Here is what Don Miguel Ruiz has to say about forgiveness:

You must forgive those who hurt you, even if what they did to you is unforgivable in your mind. You will forgive them not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because you don't want to suffer and hurt yourself every time you remember what they did to you. It doesn't matter what others did to you, you are going to forgive them because you don't want to feel sick all the time. Forgiveness is for your own mental healing. You will forgive because you feel compassion for yourself. Forgiveness is an act of self-love.

If you are finding the flow of love constricted or blocked in your life, what one act of acceptance or forgiveness, small or large, could you do today to begin to open up the flow of love again?

Perhaps a meditation?

Many years ago, I learned this guided meditation from my own coach and teacher, Steven Schatz. I call it the "Fountain of Love" meditation, and it goes something like this:

First, find a quiet place where you will be undisturbed. Then get yourself into a comfortable meditative position - with some part of your body - feet, buttocks, or back - solidly connected to the ground. Next, close your eyes and begin to breathe naturally. Notice the pattern of your breath, and begin to breathe deeply, from the bottom of your belly. Imagine your breath moving in and out continuously and in a circle, like a chair on a ferris wheel. As you breathe in, the chair takes off from the platform and slowly rises to the top. It passes smoothly over the top and then it descends slowly and evenly as you let out the breath. Imagine your breath moving smoothly in a circlular pattern of in- breath and out-breath like a ferris wheel in continuous motion.

After a few moments of deep, circular breathing, imagine that you are fountain. What do you look like? Where are you located?

Through this fountain flows clear, pure, sparkling water that rises up from deep in the earth and collects in a pool. Imagine that this water rises up through the fountain to the topmost point, then pours over in abundant waves, spraying some water upwards and outwards as it emerges, flows back down into the deep pool of water, where it joins with more pure water from the deep spring to rise up once again, and bubble up, out, over, and back down.

As you picture this flowing fountain, imagine that this water is actually pure love. Perhaps this water, or love energy, has a color? If so, what is it?

Imagine that you are the fountain, and this water is love energy cycling through you. There is no beginning and no end to the flow of the energy. Love flows into you, through you, and out of you in an unbroken cycle. With every cycle, more and more love flows through you, replacing all negative emotion. How do you feel as this energy washes through you?

Take as much time as you wish to bask in the flow of this meditation. When you feel ready, slowly open your eyes and gently bring yourself back to the here and now.

Meditation is one way to open the flow of love within you. I invite you to experience this guided meditation or another of your chosing. If you feel so inclined, I would love to hear about your experience(s) with this meditation.

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This workshop/class is offered through the Corporate & Community Education Division of the North Shore Community College, located at the Cummings Center in Beverly, Massachusetts. We meet Tuesday mornings from 9:00-11:30am from March 7th through April 11th. The fee is $129 To register, call 978-236-1200.